This is silly. I am just going to write what I feel. I looked at his stupid little facebook thing; I didn’t click on his profile link, because I know it will hurt. This is so dumb. I should not be jealous and/or hurt that he is with other girls. He is not mine, he never has been and never will be. I feel like such a psycho freak for feeling the way I feel, I SHOULD NOT BE HURT. I don’t understand why I feel such intense things for him anyways. Is it because we went weeks without kissing and then all of a sudden we would just start making out out of nowhere? There was always tons of passion between us, but would it had been there if we were a real couple? Probably not, because we would have been all over each other all the time. Us being together would never work out, it just wouldn’t have been a good relationship,  but I can’t help yearning for it. I just want to be there for him, and let him know I’m here and to talk to him. When we talk, though, it always just goes back to us and our relationship. He has apologized a million times, but he was drunk so it doesn’t count. Is it horrible that I like him better drunk? He is such a sweetheart, and when he hurts my feelings he immediately apologizes. That IS bad that I like him better when he is intoxicated. I hate and love making out with him while he’s drunk. I hate it, because I know when you’re intoxicated you make stupid decisions that you would normally not make while sober, therefore I am a stupid decision and making out with me is bad. It makes me feel so horrible because I am just part of his drunken night, nothing special. On the other hand I love it, because he’s just so crazy when he’s drunk and he acts like he actually gives a shit about me when he’s drunk, unlike the sober part of him that glances at me once in a great while. God, I hate that I have such fucking intense feelings. I hate that I went back to him time and time again behind people’s backs. I hate that I am so fucking weak that I couldn’t say no to him when he asks me to lay down beside him, I try to keep my ground, I tell him to stay away and don’t touch me, and then he says a couple of nice words and I comply with everything he says. No wonder he kept me around for so long, I was the girl he always knew he could have at the end of the night, the bottom bitch. If that hot girl at the party said no, well at least he has Olivia to come back to. I am probably not even his first choice, just a girl that said yes to him and that wouldn’t go away. I should be strong and forget about his fucking ass, but I can’t. All I can think about is how much I loved being in his arms, how loved I felt there, how beautiful he made me feel. Its like the aftermath doesn’t happen. I always feel like shit when I leave his room, because I know I did a bad thing, I sneak around, and I would have been so embarrassed had anyone caught me. I always feel dirty afterwards, because I know it didn’t mean a damn thing to him, and had it been any other girl, it would have been just as good, maybe better. It’s not fair, so many sweet guys cared about me, but I couldn’t look past him. All I cared about was him. Why am I so attracted to fucked up people? I can’t change them, they don’t want to be changed and don’t ask for it. All I end up doing is hurting myself. How much abuse will I have to endure until I realize that I can’t change anyone? I feel so ugly and alone. I told him he would get bored with me, because everyone does. He’s not any different from anyone else. I was stupid for thinking I had found someone special, and that they saw something special in me.

current mood: depressed

Dear G,
I am so through with you.
I know the only reason you texted me tonight was so you could have a little pick me up. I am so glad I stood up to you and let you know that I am not dealing with your bull shit anymore.
I have someone who cares for me and is wonderful to me, unlike you.
so go screw yourself, I am done wasting my thoughts on you.
-Olivia

E!
oh boy. I am so sorry about crying today, I was just tired and frustrated that I won't see you until friday and then I won't see you for another week.
This is so unhealthy...how much I want to be with you, but I like it.
Thank you for your shirt, now I can catch a whiff of you whenever.
Thank you for comforting me.
Thank you for coming into my life.
I wish this had happened a lot sooner, but oh well.
I adore you, now matter what anyone else says.
I can't wait to talk to you tonight.
<3